having conversations about adoption

January: Honoring Family Connections Through the Calendar

I couldn’t sleep. Something was nagging at me. Yes, there were work deadlines looming and the mundane tasks of life left undone. But this was different—a heavier weight, a quiet ache pressing on my spirit that I couldn't quite name. I lay awake, restless, cataloging every possible reason for my sadness. No upcoming anniversaries or events came to mind, nothing obvious to explain this depth of melancholy. Eventually, exhausted, I drifted off in the early hours, only to wake feeling spent and blurry-eyed.

As I scrolled through social media that morning, there it was. The anniversary of my mother of origin’s passing. In that moment, I was reminded of how the body keeps the score and how social media can actually help get an adopted person in sync with family of origin after years of separation.

I had only been in reunion for a few years and had yet to fully sync my calendar with the significant dates connected to my family of origin. While I hadn’t committed the exact dates of my relatives’ births and deaths to functional memory, my body and spirit knew. They remembered. The grief lived there, even when my mind hadn’t caught up. I wept reading the heartfelt tributes others shared about my mother of origin—words of love, loss, and remembrance. I wept because I missed her too, trying to hold onto her memory while also letting her go, all within the same breath.

In that raw moment, I needed grounding. I called my mom—the one who raised me. As we talked, I shared how restless my night had been, how my heart felt unsettled. Before I could explain, she interrupted to share that she hadn’t slept well either. I was struck once again by nature and nurture—and how deeply connected I am to both the mother I was born to and the one who raised me.

I share this personal experience because it’s important that parents today hear how deeply integrated and connected adopted persons can be with family of origin even across generations and even when they are not in relationship with them. While adopted persons are embedded into families through adoption they can never be fully disconnected from the families they are born to and the ones with whom they share genetics and intergenerational imprints.

The start of a new year offers us a powerful opportunity—to reimagine the calendar as more than a tool for appointments and to-do lists. For those connected in adoption, the calendar holds profound layers. It can serve as a mirror, reflecting both joy and pain, celebration and loss, connection and separation. It invites us to honor the fullness of our experiences, the both/and of life.

In adoption, the milestones we mark—and those we overlook—shape our realities and our memories. Beyond traditional holidays and birthdays, there are deeper dates to consider: placement anniversaries, court dates, family reunions, and days inflicted with violence and/or deep pain. Some dates are joyous, others carry grief. And often, those emotions coexist.

As we step into a new year, I encourage families—especially those navigating adoption and cultural differences—to curate their calendars with intention. Here are some ways to do that:

Tips for Parents: Honoring Complexity

Intentionally Integrate Adoption into the Calendar: Take time to consider what information about a child’s family of origin you have access to. Reflect on whether you have the context for significant dates that may be emotionally difficult for the child entrusted to you. Find balanced and thoughtful ways to ask questions of family of origin. If there is little or no information or contact, consider reaching out to the professionals who facilitated the adoption to see what more they can uncover. If those professionals cannot be engaged, explore other ways to gain knowledge. Gathering as much factual information as possible helps create a fuller picture of a child's life before they were with you.
Create Space for Reflection and Grief: Acknowledge that some dates might be bittersweet, or emotionally complex. First you need to identify and process your feelings and emotions in order to get grounded to help make this healing space for the children entrusted to you.
Stay Attuned to Unspoken Grief: Sometimes, children feel emotional around significant dates without fully understanding why. Hold space for those feelings and validate them without needing an explanation. Also, helping children to name the complexity and find language for the layered feelings early on can be transformational.
Mark Significant Dates Beyond the Obvious: Include adoption milestones, biological family birthdays and anniversaries, and personal reflection days. Allow space to honor both joy and complexity.

In addition to leveraging the calendar to be proactive in holding space for complexity, we can also use the calendar to explore cultural heritage. Opening space to integrate new elements of celebration and commemoration can expand your family’s relationship with the calendar and with one another. Being culturally curious and authentically interested in a child’s heritage and leading the way with joy will show children you are genuine in your interest in things that are connected to them.

Tips for Parents: Honoring Cultural Heritage

Embrace Cultural Celebrations Together: Explore holidays from a child's culture of origin and celebrate them as a family. Use these moments as teaching opportunities while centering cultural connections.
Share Stories Behind the Dates: When observing special days, share the stories behind them. Help your child understand both the history and emotional layers connected to these moments.
Personalize Family Traditions: Blend traditions from both birth and adoptive families to create meaningful, inclusive rituals that honor the fullness of your child’s identity.
Revisit and Evolve the Calendar Annually: As children grow, their understanding of identity and belonging shifts. Keep an open dialogue about which dates feel important and be willing to adjust.

The calendar can be a profound tool for healing, learning, and connecting. It reminds us that a lot of things can be true at the same time—joy and loss, gratitude and longing, belonging and searching. As we enter this new year, may we all find ways to honor the fullness of our experiences, making space for all of our many layers of our lives.

January Embracing: Live with Authenticity, Purpose and Joy

January is a time when folks traditionally take stock of where they are and may even make some resolutions for a new diet, more time exercising, or commitments to spending quality time with family and friends. For families that extend through transracial adoption, January can offer a time to think about the year ahead and together as a family, continue the expansive journey of authentically navigating family and differences together with purpose and joy.

Related article for parents' reflection: January: Honoring Family Connections Through the Calendar

TRJ Conversation Cards

Our Executive Director, April Dinwoodie, has created conversation cards that help families make space for ongoing conversations about adoption and differences of race and culture. The Transracial Journeys card deck contains 3 cards for each month that the children use to ask their parents questions, that parents can use for quiet reflection. Some families leave the deck somewhere visible and pick a card at random, some families follow the monthly prompts. No matter how you use your cards, you’ll find a pathway to a more active and authentic holding of the complexities of transracial adoption so you and your family can live with authenticity, purpose, and joy. Below are the questions for January. Before getting started, read the parent tip. Families that attend our annual camp receive a set of the cards and if you’d like a set please email info@transracialjourneys.org.

January Tips for Parents: Do some pre-planning so that you have time to process some of the harder anniversaries or days on the calendar before discussing with children. Have some ideas to share for new dates to mark on the calendar so your children can react and be inspired to think about what they’d like to add as well.

CARD ONE: Identifying with the calendar as individuals and as a family

What are your most and least favorite holidays and why?
What are some of your most and least favorite times of year and why?
Are there holidays that you’d rather not acknowledge but feel you have to?

CARD TWO: Relationships

What are ways you can celebrate the happiest days of the year?
How can you honor the saddest days and find ways to prepare for what might be hard?

CARD THREE: Embracing and Facing Differences of Race and Culture

What are some holidays that you have not traditionally celebrated that you could add to the calendar?
What do you need to know about any new holidays that you might add to the calendar?

December – Reflections: Evolving Traditions

The December holidays give us an opportunity to think about traditions tied to different cultures and religions. Regardless of what you and your family honor and celebrate, we can be inspired to take a closer look at what traditions mean to us and how we can expand our thinking and actions.

Read this month's reflection and link to book gift giving guide as well as previous December posts from over the years to help guide you and your family through the ideas of evolving traditions:

December Pro-Tip to Foster Conversations About Transracial Adoptions

At Transracial Journeys we send out cues for conversations each month. Our Transracial Journeys card deck contains 3 cards for each month that the children use to ask their parents questions. Below are the questions for December. Before getting started, read the parent pro-tip each month.

December Pro-Tip for Parents: Resist the urge to hold tight onto traditions that may be holding you back from fully embracing new ideas that may better honor your child’s culture. Also think about simplifying or modifying some of the traditions you now honor to make room for new ones.

November Nourishment: Sustaining Strong and Healthy Families

Thanksgiving can be one of the more complicated historical holidays, and for many in the United States, one of the more family and food-centric holidays. Whether you are a family that chooses not to mark Thanksgiving in a traditional way, or your family goes all out with a big Thanksgiving celebration, this month we are thinking about the family table and what might be true when there are differences of race and culture with transracial adoption. November also brings National Adoption Awareness Month, (NAAM) which can be challenging for some adopted persons. This month prompts on your activity deck include questions for both areas of discussion.

November Tip to Foster Conversations About Transracial Adoption

At Transracial Journeys we send out cues for conversations each month. Our Transracial Journeys card deck contains 3 cards for each month that the children use to ask their parents questions. Below are the questions for November. Before getting started, read the parent pro-tip each month.

November Tip for Parents: Talking about family and complicated history can activate deep-seated emotions and feelings. Make sure you have the support you need to process your feelings before and after the conversations you may have with your children.

CARD ONE: IDENTITY
The Family Table: Describe your family table when you were growing up. What was the food like? Who was around the table? What were the best parts of family dinner-time? What were some of the harder parts?
NAAM: When did you first learn of NAAM?

CARD TWO: RELATIONSHIPS
The Family Table: Who were the people sitting around your family table?
NAAM: What does NAAM mean to you?

CARD THREE: EMBRACING AND FACING DIFFERENCES OF RACE AND CULTURE
The Family Table: Were there ever people of different races around your family table?
NAAM: How can we find our own unique ways to honor and mark NAAM?

Costumes and Code-Switching: The Hidden Layers of Transracial Adoption

By April Dinwoodie, TRJ Part-time Executive Director, Speaker, Trainer

It’s October and many children begin dreaming up costumes, reveling in the chance to put on a mask and become someone else for a night. For many Black and Brown children in transracial adoptions, wearing a "costume" often extends far beyond October 31st. Transracially adopted children may feel the need to mask aspects of their identity and emotions daily as they navigate a world where they may feel out of place—even within their own families.

As a Black-biracial individual adopted into a predominantly white New England family, I became highly skilled at code-switching early on. I adapted to fit in, learned to downplay or accentuate parts of myself depending on the situation. I pretended to know how to breakdance, went out for the basketball team because classmates and coaches thought I’d be good at it, and laughed at some of the racist jokes, all to help me bond with my peers and fit in generally. On the outside, I was down with so much of what was being expected of me yet, behind the layers was an ongoing struggle to process the deeper emotional pain of feeling like an outsider because I was adopted and not fitting in Black or white spaces.

Code-Switching as a Survival Tool

Code-switching—the practice of shifting languages, behaviors, or cultural references depending on the social context—becomes a vital survival tool. For many children of color in white families, it’s not merely about fitting in; it’s a means of staying safe in environments where they may feel scrutinized or misunderstood. They learn to speak a certain way, act a certain way, and even express interests that might not be authentic to their true selves.

This constant adaptation comes at a cost. It can create a sense of fractured identity, making it difficult for a child to feel fully accepted or understood. Over time, the effort of constantly shifting can lead to emotional exhaustion and a sense of isolation.

The Emotional Toll of Wearing Masks

The emotional cost of wearing these masks is profound. As a child, I wore mine tightly, often feeling disconnected from both my Black and white identities. At home, I felt the need to dilute aspects of myself that felt "too Black" for my family’s context. Outside, I struggled to blend in with my peers, feeling as if I could only show parts of myself. This inner conflict made it difficult to process my feelings, and I often turned inward, searching for outlets to release the pressure of not fitting in.

The act of masking impacted more than just my identity; it affected my self-esteem and self-worth. Not feeling that I could be my authentic self, I internalized the belief that I wasn’t enough as I was. It’s taken years of self-reflection, healing work, finding community, and clinical support to feel confident to remove my masks and feeling comfortable in my own beautiful skin.

Practical Advice for Parents

As parents of transracially adopted children, it’s essential to do the internal work needed to provide a truly supportive environment. Part of this involves confronting your own biases, exploring how you’ve been shaped by societal norms, and being open to removing the “masks” you may unconsciously wear. By engaging in this self-reflection, you can help ease your child’s burden and create a space where they feel comfortable embracing their true self.

Recognize Signs of Code-Switching: Pay attention to changes in your child’s speech, behavior, or interests that seem context-dependent. For instance, they might alter their tone or language style around different groups or display an exaggerated interest in hobbies that don’t align with their usual preferences. Also, notice if they seem emotionally drained after social interactions, as code-switching can be exhausting.
Encourage Open Dialogue: Intentionally create space for the child entrusted to you to express their feelings. To truly hear and understand them, first examine your own perceptions of race and identity. Recognize any biases you may bring to the conversation and strive to listen without judgment. This process not only validates your child’s emotions but also demonstrates that it’s okay to feel the deep emotion that can be attached to being transracially adopted.
Create Culturally Affirming Spaces: Go beyond simply surrounding your child with culturally relevant books, media, and experiences. Reflect on how you engage with their culture and consider ways to genuinely integrate it into your family life. Explore community events and cultural activities not just for your child’s benefit but also as an opportunity for you to learn and grow, too.
Support Authentic Expression—Including Your Own: Encourage children and youth to explore their interests freely, without imposing societal or familial expectations on them. Take time to reflect on how you may have altered or masked parts of yourself to fit certain roles, and consider how unmasking your own authentic self can help foster a deeper connection with children entrusted to you. By modeling authenticity, you show them that they don’t need to hide parts of who they are to be loved and accepted.
Create a Safe Environment for Authenticity: Encourage your child to share how they feel in various settings and how they present themselves in different contexts. Acknowledge their experiences, and let them know they don’t have to adapt or mask themselves to fit in. This helps reinforce that your home is a place where they can fully be themselves without judgment.

Embracing True Identity Beyond the Mask

While my parents were loving me and providing a truly wonderful life for me and my siblings, they were unaware of the complexity of the masks I was wearing and if I asked them today, I don’t think they’d likely even have heard of code-switching. They certainly didn't have the insight to understand my journey to belonging and embracing my full identity required peeling away the layers and examining the ways in which I was Learning to adapt to their environments. As I learned more and found support, I took all the best parts of their love and learned to embrace the fullness of my identity, celebrating and nurturing every aspect of myself rather than hiding parts to fit in.

As parents and allies today, you have the power to help make this journey easier. By fostering an environment where your child can be naturally them—unapologetically and without compromise—you give them the tools they need to navigate the world with confidence and pride. Ultimately, the greatest gift you can offer is the freedom to be themselves. This Halloween, let the only costume for transracially adopted children be one of their own making—a celebration of every part of who they truly are.

Revealing: What’s Under The Mask

Fostering Conversations About Transracial Adoption

At Transracial Journeys we send our families conversation cues each month, from our Transracial Journeys card deck, given to all our families at Family Camp. The card deck contains three cards for each month, designed for the children to ask their parents. Below are the questions for October. Before letting your child get started, prepare by reading the parent tip, from the Parent Guide, each month.

October Tip for Parents: Think about the symbolism of masks and how you might mask your feelings about adoption and differences of race. What can you do to tap into those feelings and let them show in healthy ways? Do you recognize when your child might be masking their feelings? “We Wear the Mask” - Paul Laurence Dunbar

This post is from our October 2024, e-newsletter. If you would like to get our newsletter in your inbox each month, please subscribe. You will get invitations to our Parent Meet-Up each month, a virtual meeting to act as a transracial adoption support group - sharing issues, ideas and strategies for creating a culture of communication and curiosity in your home, as well as monthly card prompt to keep the conversations about race, adoption, family, love and relationships front and center all year long. And lastly, you'll always be made aware of important dates for Transracial Journeys Family Camp!

August – Growing: Always Learning

August Pro-Tip to Foster Conversations About Transracial Adoptions

Transracial Journeys invites your family to experience the calendar in a whole new way. With the help of the June-in-April Calendar Conversation Cards, each month your family is invited to use the cards as a tool for more regular and intentional conversations about identity, family relationships, and differences of race and culture.

Each month has four cards with conversation starters. The prompts and questions are designed to spark reflection and ongoing dialogue within your family as well as with extended family and friends. There is no prescriptive way to use the cards, sometimes parents or grown-ups can take the lead and ask the questions and other times, children can go first.

August Pro-Tip for Parents: Back to school is a time of transition for children and families. It’s a time to be thoughtful about what children need when they go into schools every day. A great way to prepare children from families that don’t match is by having intentional conversations about differences of race and ethnicity as well as family structure and culture.

CARD ONE: IDENTITY
Close your eyes and think of being a kid at school: What is the first word that comes to mind?
• Can you describe what your school was like?
- How big was it?
- How many other kids were there?
• What was your favorite subject?

CARD TWO: RELATIONSHIPS
• Who were some of your favorite teachers and why?
• Were there any kids or teachers who looked like me in your school?
• Were there any kids or teachers that were a different race than you?

CARD THREE: EMBRACING AND FACING DIFFERENCES OF RACE AND CULTURE
• Did you ever see black or brown students being treated differently?
• How do you think your experiences in school were different from mine?
• What can you do better to prepare me for what I might face at school?

This post is from our August 2024 newsletter. If you would like to get our newsletter in your inbox each month, please subscribe. You will get invitations to our Parent Meet-Up each month, a virtual meeting to act as a transracial adoption support group - sharing issues, ideas and strategies for creating a culture of communication and curiosity in your home, as well as monthly card prompt to keep the conversations about race, adoption, family, love and relationships front and center all year long. And lastly, you'll always be made aware of important dates for Transracial Journeys Family Camp!

Back-to-School

By K. Bean

Back-to-school season is an exciting and transformative time, not just for our children but for us as parents as well. While our children gear up for new academic adventures, we as parents can seize this opportunity to reignite our own commitment to learning and growth. Embracing a mindset of curiosity and dedication to continuous learning is essential for fostering an inclusive, supportive, and understanding family environment. Continuing to learn about the impact of racism and bias will help create more emotional, psychological and physical safety for our children.

Intentional Conversations About Adoption & Race

Parenting children of another race necessitates a profound and ongoing commitment to being self-aware, culturally competent, and anti-racist. I understand that my process of learning how to be better surrounding these complex issues will never be complete; there is always more to understand, more perspectives to consider, and more ways to support our boys. By engaging in intentional and planned conversations about adoption and race, we can create a space where everyone feels heard, valued, and understood.

For us as parents, staying curious means actively seeking out knowledge and experiences that enhance our understanding of our boys racial and cultural background. We read books, attend workshops, and participate in cultural events that share our boys' heritage. We want to demonstrate that their identity is respected and celebrated. This kind of proactive engagement sets a powerful example, showing them that learning is a lifelong journey and that understanding and respecting differences is a vital part of personal growth.

Discussions Can Help Develop a Sense of Self, Strengthen Bonds and Build a Foundation of Trust

Moreover, having intentional conversations about race and adoption can help address the unique challenges that transracially adopted children might face. These discussions can provide a safe space for them to express their experiences and feelings, whether they relate to racial identity, experiences of discrimination, or questions about their adoption. By normalizing these conversations, we can help them develop a positive sense of self and equip them with the tools to navigate a world that may not always be accepting or understanding.

In addition to benefiting our boys, these conversations foster a deeper connection within our family. When we discuss complex topics like race and adoption openly and honestly, it strengthens our bond and builds a foundation of trust and mutual respect. This openness encourages them to share their struggles and triumphs, knowing that we are here to support them without judgment. It also allows us as parents to share our own vulnerabilities and learning experiences, highlighting that growth and understanding are continuous processes for everyone.

Back to School: Recommit to Our Own Educational Journeys

In conclusion, back-to-school season is an opportune moment for us to recommit to our own educational journeys, especially when parenting through transracial adoption. By fostering intentional and planned conversations about adoption and race, we can enhance our understanding, support one another more effectively, and create a loving, inclusive environment where everyone feels valued. This commitment to continuous learning and growth benefits not just the family but society as a whole, promoting a culture of empathy, respect, and inclusivity.

Book Corner – July 2024

Book Corner – Brooke Randolph: It’s Not About You

Understanding Adoptee Search, Reunion, & Open Adoption

It’s Not About You: Understanding Adoptee Search, Reunion, & Open Adoption is a book written for adoptive and birth parents and their therapists. After repetitive conversations with adopted persons (and sometimes their parents) about reactions to their search and reunion, Brooke knew adoptive and parents of origin needed a book on the topic.

Brooke is a therapist, author, speaker, trainer and an adoptive parent who enjoys sharing with groups of all sizes whether that is in person or online. Both therapeutically and personally, she is committed to never stop learning and growing. Primary specialties for Brooke include adoption competent therapy, Brainspotting, relationship building, and developmental trauma. Brooke is a certified Imago Relationship Therapist, a Certified Brainspotting Trainer & Consultant, and coordinator for the groups Brainspotting Indy and Brainspotting with Adoption.

This year, we are thrilled to have Brooke joining us at the Transracial Journeys Family Camp to help bring to life parent work sessions centered on creating a brighter path to inclusivity for transracially adopted persons as well as the extended family.

https://brooke-randolph.com/author-brooke/

Black Excellence – Isaac Etter

This month we are combining our Black Excellence and Book Corner featuring Isaac Etter. Isaac is a transracially adopted person and a social entrepreneur who founded Identity, a startup focused on helping adoptive and foster families thrive. At Identity, Isaac is working on re-imagining post-placement support for adoptive and foster families. He uses his story and deep passion for adoption and foster care education to bring relevant, quality, and diverse resources to adoptive and foster parents.

Isaac utilizes his experience of being adopted to curate deep conversations about race, identity, and adoption. With his unique insight, Isaac facilitates impactful discussions about adoption's impact on children and how parents can support their children in navigating identity and racial identity development. He specializes in helping child welfare professionals and parents understand the unique challenges and joys involved in transracial adoption and fostering.

A Practical Guide: Transracial Adoption.

As a special offer to the TRJ community, Issac has created a special offer - $17.75 for his Identity guide, A Practical Guide: Transracial Adoption. Now including two bonus chapters! One written by Julie Etter, adoptive mother, and an extended Q&A chapter.

Currently Isaac is working on releasing an update of his Black Hair Care guide to include QR links to explanations of tools, products, and also walkthroughs. Learn more about Issac and his work here and listen to monthly podcast episodes of Inside Transracial Adoption with his mom. Link: https://www.youtube.com/@identitylearning

Book Corner – Brooke Randolph: It’s Not About You

Understanding Adoptee Search, Reunion, & Open Adoption

It’s Not About You: Understanding Adoptee Search, Reunion, & Open Adoption is a book written for adoptive and birth parents and their therapists. After repetitive conversations with adopted persons (and sometimes their parents) about reactions to their search and reunion, Brooke knew adoptive and parents of origin needed a book on the topic.

Brooke is a therapist, author, speaker, trainer and an adoptive parent who enjoys sharing with groups of all sizes whether that is in person or online. Both therapeutically and personally, she is committed to never stop learning and growing. Primary specialties for Brooke include adoption competent therapy, Brainspotting, relationship building, and developmental trauma. Brooke is a certified Imago Relationship Therapist, a Certified Brainspotting Trainer & Consultant, and coordinator for the groups Brainspotting Indy and Brainspotting with Adoption.

This year, we are thrilled to have Brooke joining us at camp to help bring to life parent work sessions centered on creating a brighter path to inclusivity for transracially adopted persons as well as the extended family.

https://brooke-randolph.com/author-brooke/